illuminate from within

magicact:

magicact:
you know, if an adult is a nice person that’s not “innocence.” they learned how to actively be a good person. they’re not some eternal child
also i’m gonna be real why is it that being nice in general is seen as a childish or immature trait

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personal. a year in review

2018. a year in review.

what a fucking year. I made it to the end of the summer with my long distance boyfriend. he left last summer to return and stay out here and get shit together with his life and me, and trust me, its been no picnic .

i quit a shitty job, just to get a great job, and upon starting training I get an abortion, having my parents find out, then have my life emotionally mentally and physically fucked up afterwards–then suddenly losing this job, losing my grandfather, and everything and everyone being fucking distraught.

im so glad to have had the support of my bf , i dont know what i would fucking do without him, he’s busted his ass for me to get us both back on track while ive been unemployed for the later half of the summer

good things: im so glad im getting a welcome from his family at least

he fixed my uncle’s old guitar, my very first and only electric guitar, and it still works

we got to spend time cuddling and watching shows and making music, arguing over who be playing when and me smiling and laughing when he gets miffed at me tryna jump on his riffs all the time lol

i got to work on some art , hone my skills a little even start writing

i reunited with one of my best friends after so long…. i hope my hometown girls and friends will eventually reach out to me bc i goddamn miss them sometimes but i wish well for them in their lives…

we finally bought the tickets

we made it an official year (he says its been two years, counting our friendship perhaps)

i gave him a card for fourth of july . we had bbqs in the backyard, many drunken and loud and boisterous nights full of laughter and drunken ridiculousness

we’ve been through hell and back getting through our own bullshit meantime and hey things havent exactly been super perf ,but im glad we’ve gotten this far without wanting to shoot ourselves in the face. there have been those moments but we’re stronger than life we know that life ahead will offer much better

yeah man i feel like ive grown hard stone on my heart sometimes, but i still cry over the little things, i cry at not being able to be everything i wish i could be, loving, supportive, compassionate, smiling all the time, im smart and intelligent but still dont know shit about the world i feel sometimes but i suppose that is the most human thing in the fucking world, isnt it ?

life is funny , how everything always “falls into place”

i wrote that in my journal once and now its all happening. fml i started to believe my writing was magic but all its good for is collecting snapshots of what goes on in my head. ive been trying to teach myself how to be more honest with myself on paper , and take it from me, its still hard tapping into the deepest darkest parts of myself because i have a lot of pain and feel so many ghosts and ugly memories growing up trying to consume me from within, but i never let them.

the sun will chase all the shadows away.

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so im leaving monday to go to florida. after planning being hella fucking stressful babe finally bought the tickets and we’re off .

my thoughts about this whole situation….been extremely frustrated and stressed out but moving and doing shit rly does require a lot of time and energy, I spent like half a week just organizing and sorting through my shit, I had to ask for help today to finish the rest. always good to have a helping hand .

i dont know what it is but i just feel like my parents are so cold about this situation rn, idk if its that i didnt really give them advance notice but i did say months ago that we’d be leaving by the end of the summer.

maybe its just the thought of letting go that they’re fighting and that’s alright because ive been severing these ties with this place i’ve called home for so long that i just outgrew…. its okay. it stings a bit but its okay. its like walking on a broken leg that’s healed. i put out the idea to go and do something this weekend just to get a last hoorah , idk bc its night time right now that they dont wanna do shit and theyre tired but saturday and sunday is all i got rn, im officially out of jersey monday and im getting to west palm beach tuesday.

ive been letting other members of the family know and idgaf im doing this shit

i let a few friends know whats going on, i dont think anybody really cares lol

people in my bf’s life care about him going like the whole house he in gonna miss him but we’re both glad tot me going, the city he grew up in he feels was toxic just like the place i grew up i felt was toxic so there’s really no hard feelings going . ofc we gonna miss some things but we’ve been looking forward to this move for quite some time so that’s all we got our hearts and eyes set on, is the future.

like they say, there are better things ahead than you are leaving behind.

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